|Laurence C. Smith, Jr., PhD
Diplomate in Clinical Psychology
|Copyright © 1986-2008 L.C.Smith, Jr., PhD
The selection of equal
the basis for strong and
healthy families – the
foundation of society.
|From the Selection Process
How do you select a partner? Is it by chance and “others” direction? Is it purposeful? Or is
it predetermined and out of our control. Is the meeting guided and then free will enters?
Beyond the Initial Meeting
What we know is this. Some selection is karmic (discovered only in hindsight – never in
foresight). Some selection – if not all – is need based. These needs may be physical,
social, financial, religious, psychological or in fulfilling an altruistic purpose. Some
selection is repetitive which suggests unresolved karma. Some, when out of an existing
relationship, are opposite need based – those that the other partner didn’t meet – often
subconscious –sometimes conscious – and sometimes unconscious. If these needs are
too extremely different from the past relationship, they often don’t work because the
structure of the personality is so different. This usually results in the new relationship
meeting a few needs (often physical) but not the other more basic stable needs.
The three most common needs sought are intellectual, physical (sexual) and activity level.
The greatest disappointment in relationships rests in the failure of the partner to fulfill our
beliefs and expectations in these basic need areas – intellectual, physical and activity.
The greatest mislearned belief that we have is that “I can significantly change my partner in
these three areas when in fact they are unchangeable. They are basically given at birth
and change only slightly during a lifetime.
Significant differences between two people in each of these three areas cause major
relationship problems of a very predictable nature. These are characterized by classical
one-up one-down interactions in which both parties and the relationship looses. This
inequality has disastrous effects on both parties and the relationship. If two or more of
these are significantly different then divorce is practically inevitable. (probability 90-95%).
So many of our early determined beliefs lay hidden under the cover of these three givens.
So many of our relationship expectations are silently caged in the parental modeling and
early learning about what relationships “should” be like. These expectations do not
emerge and become verbalized until there is a romantic ideal discovered as a mate. Then
Only then do we verbalize them and magically expect our mate to meet these
expectations. Selection must include an objective assessment of these three areas or a
mismatch is sure to occur. Of course there are many other variables as well but these
three are the heavy hitters. Realistically knowing yourself without pride or prejudice will
allow both of you to do this assessment.
What do I expect of my partner in shared intellectual ideas, financial management, and
intellectual discussions? What do I expect of my partner in shared activities, exercise,
health, going and doing, sitting and resting? Once the first stage of a relationship is over (
a few months to a couple of years) what do I expect in a sexual relationship with my
partner in terms of frequency, openness, and quality. If his or her drive is truly lower than
mine how will we adapt to it. The one-up position in each of these three areas is the one
with the greater – intelligence, higher activity level and higher sex drive. The person who
is lower in these areas is traditionally one-down.
The Highest Level of Selection Criteria
Friends of Humanity
It is clear to many people that in the very near future (this generation or the next) that the
deteriorating condition of humanity and of the world we live in will demand another
approach – one that we haven’t even begun to give credence to. It is also the belief of
many that the new generations now coming to be will have a major purpose in
implementing change for the preservation of mankind and the planet. It is time to add the
following criteria in the selection of a mate. Once the essentials have been met which I
have mentioned above and in the rest of this writing, some couples can begin to select on
the basis of mutual life purpose.
A new generation of couples – choosing to be together to meet a common purpose – to
build a world of peace, love, joy and resurrection of the planet and its inhabitants. It is for
couples – each in their own way – to work cooperatively for the positive future of mankind.
This new criteria demands a “soul mate” connection of unified dedication and altruism.
The relationship is beyond the individual, beyond the society and is to dedicate itself to
While we know enough to improve selection in general – for these couples it is essential to
build motivated well modeled families for future generations. It is time for these additional
criteria to be added for those who would so choose. This is not idealism, this is realism.
The positive energy effect of this happening in many societies at the same time will have
an enormous influence on these societies and humanity.