The Selection Process

Laurence C. Smith, Jr., PhD
Diplomate in Clinical Psychology

THE SELECTION PROCESS

NOTE ON THE SELECTION PROCESS:

The selection Process is presently in Outline Form -
A complete version will be published at a later date.

HOW TO CHOOSE AN EQUAL PARTNER IN AN UNEQUAL WORLD

I. Historical Perspective - Expectations in an Evolving Society

A. Early times to 1890’s - Food Shelter clothing            Selection by Necessity
External Influences
Strength of Beliefs - Bundling Boards

B. 1890-1920 - Victorian Era - Delay of Gratification   Selection by Romantic Ideals

C. 1920-1950 Equal Rights - Romanticism
Post Wars Hedonism - Depression    Delay of Gratification

D. 1950-1965 Neo- Romantic Era Delay of Gratification                 Shifting Beliefs

E. 1965-1970 Social Revolution - Loss of Innocence   Selection in Changing
Beliefs
Transitions
Era of Instants    I-Me   Hedonism - The Pill - Immediate Gratification

F. 1980-2000 Sanity Regained - Hedonism Revisited      Selection by Chance
Medical Fearfulness - Caution in Selection

Immediacy once selected

G. 2000-2025 If Romanticism Doesn’t Work What Does   Selection by
Information

Transition - Informational , Knowledge Building Base and Education

H. 2025-2070 - Combining Knowledge, Romanticism and Realism

Influences: Media Films and TV, The Pill, AIDS, Religion, Spiritual Void,         Developmental
Knowledge, Process of Relationships, Teachings vs. Reality, Divorce Rate, Death Rate,
Children, Empty Nest , Demands of Education, Driving Age, Age of Adolescence 13-18
to 9-23, Increased length of life;

Division of life into thirds as life span increases

First one-third                 Second - third                  Third – third        Era
Education                           Family                        Empty Nest

0-15                             15-30                               30-45            1800-1900

0-20                             20-40                               40-60            1900-1960

0-25                             25-50                               50-75            1960-2000

0-30                             30-60                               60-90            2000-2050

II. The Relationship as an Entity    -     Relationships have a life of their own

A. Developmental Stages of Relationships
1. Excitement
2. Focus Shift
Career
Children
Mid- Life
Empty Nest
Death of Parent
3. Acceptance

B. Developmental Stages of Sexuality in Relationships
1. Excitement
2. Focus Shift
3. Acceptance / Contentment

C. Effects of Age of Marriage on Process of Relationships
1. Early Marriage (20-25)
2. Ideal Age (28-32)
3. Later Marriages (35-45)
4. Final Marriages (45-60)
5. Retirement Relationships (60-80)

III. Factors in the Selection Process

A. Beliefs and Values from Family of Origin
1. Expectations - verbalized - non-verbalized
2. Situations that manifest expectations
3. Modeling - Effects of Divorce / non-Divorce in Family of Origin

B. The Three Givens
1. Intelligence
2. Activity Level
3. Sex Drive

C. The Five Drivers and Their Effect on Selection
1. Please Others /   Please Self
2. Be Strong
3. Try Hard                             How Drivers Change with Developmental Growth
4. Be Perfect
5. Hurry Up

D. The Unpredictable - Individual Rates of Growth
Changing Interests

E. The Developmentally Unstudied Years 18-3
Mates you ordinarily would choose at 18 are seldom the ones you would choose
at 30 -        Why?
1. Factors In Growth and Non-Growth
2. Four Continuums
Feelings ------ Cognition
Rigidity ---------- Flexibility
Change -----------Acceptance
External Influences ---------- Internal Influences

F. What is Love - Maturational Changes In Definition As We Age ( Issues)
1. First Love
2. Soul Mates - Mind Body Spirit Connection
3. What Does Love Expect?
4. Past Life Relationships ( Relationships of Past Knowledge)
5. Same Time Next Year - Maturity of Relationships

!V. How Do I Prioritize Issues in Selection? ( Now that I know this stuff what do I do       with
it?)

A. Do I Have to Experience It to Believe It?
B. Are Relationships Trial and Error?
C. How Well Do i Know Me and What I Need?
D. Do I Look For Someone Who
1. Looks Like Me?
2. Acts Like Me?
3. Thinks Like Me?
4. Believes Like Me?

V. After The Selection - How Do I Sustain The Relationship?

A. Three Levels of Function In the Best Relationships
1. From I-Me to We - Us
2. Play and Sexuality
3. Logical and Responsible
4. Protect, Support, Nurture

VI. How Do I Overcome the Vulnerability In Relationships?

A. Natural Transition Phases Between Stages I and II and II and III
B. Other Periods of Vulnerability
1. Right After Marriage
2. Pregnancy and Childbirth
3. Boredom With the “Focus Shift” and Decrease in Play
4. Does It Still Work?
5. Midlife Crisis - Who Has It? “Good Boy Teen” - “Bad Boy Mid-Life”
6. The Reunion
7. Death of Last or Most Important Parent
8. The Sudden Attraction - Totally Unrelated to the Marital Relationship
9. The Long Term Relationship That Preceded The Marital Relationship

VII. Can My Beliefs Tolerate Breaches of Trust???